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Sunday, August 14, 2011

I agree with The Bloodhound Gang

Did you know about google's ? I just found out myself, but it could well have been around for a while. It's a fascinating page, and one that lets our searchy friends help us find out all about topics that we love. Try it out. I'll wait.

So you're back... welcome. Now that you've typed in 'unicorns' or whatever the hell it is that you like, you're probably quite impressed. The thing is, though, you're probably wondering what other people are typing in. Because those others are on the internet. And that in all probability means that they're horrible, horrible people.

The sort of people that would type 'bestiality' into the site.

And what do they get? Kittens. What kind of sick bastards are there in google that assume that you want to fuck kittens? I mean, we've all looked at sheep with a wistful eye, and even a llama can look alluring in the dusk with a light behind her, but kittens? I may have to go back to using whatever search engine I was using before google. Is hotbot still around?

But fret not, gentle reader. You may sit back, secure in the knowledge that your friends in google are only looking out for you. They've kindly fixed it so that if you type in something your mother wouldn't want you looking at, you're given kittens instead. And you may rest assured that however relaxed you think your mother is about such things, and however cute those little porcine eyes are, she doesn't want to be known as the "mother of that pigfucker".

At this stage, I can see panic setting in. "But what", you ask, "do I do when in the presence of someone who hates kittens with a passion?" Perhaps he's seen too many lolcats, or maybe he was caught one night by ceiling cat. Whatever the reason, that antipathy is there and you're right to be concerned.

But help is at hand.

One kind soul as done some digging, and managed to find the list. And a fascinating read it is, too.

For one thing, it shows that google's nerds are obsessed with boobs. No looking at boobs for you! Or, for that matter, booobs! Or boooobs! Or... well, it goes on. Up to boooooooobs. If you want to search for booooooooobs, you're fine.

(And before you ask, b00bs is on the list, too. But not b000bs).


As of this writing, 'boobies' isn't on the list. One can search for boobies. This, of course, is a good thing. I don't know about you, but I really love boobies.

This begs the question1: is google populated by a bunch of nerdy virgins who just can't live without access to virtual boobies? Or are we to infer that the nerdy virgins who work in google are so naïve in the ways of the world that they never heard of boobies? We may never know. We must, however, be grateful to them.

So grateful, in fact, that we can overlook their shamless efforts at getting us to install Chrome. As shameless efforts go, though, you've got to admit that it's an impressive approach. Who doesn't want their boobies faster? Evolution is more than natural selection, you know; sexual selection plays a role too, and the allure of the boobie has over the millennia driven us ever onward in our quest to bury our faces in an ample pair all the quicker.

Of course, electrons are all very well when the real thing isn't immediately to hand, but what of a power cut? That laptop will only last so long, and even the "smart phones" that you kids use are constrained by the need for power. Don't worry; google has your back. Whether your particular predilection is for hentai or for women with blue feet, google will help you find the tome that will help you through those dark winter evenings when you can't go outside to restart the generator for fear of the zombie horde.
At this stage, one has to ask oneself whether google is making it too easy for us. You have to remember that when you read about humanity being immune to the effects of evolution, it's natural selection the author is talking about. Sexual selection is still very much with us, and if one can scour the earth for boobies from the comfort of one's own chair, humanity could well be doomed. It's all very well being able to play World of Warcraft for six days straight, but is that going to help us reach the stars? If we're still all on the one planet when the next big asteroid comes, the last human alive will raise an adipose fist to the heavens and cry "Damn you, Google!"

Now I'm worried. These boobies are turning out to be two-edged swords. Learn from my bitter experiences, gentle readers; emailing someone about boobies rarely ends well. A simple, innocuous subject line like "I love boobies" can lead to situations fraught with misunderstanding, shouting, restraining orders and, most relevantly, an elimination of all hope of access to the orbs you so fervently desire.
I'm not suggesting, of course, that there aren't situations where such emails are appropriate, necessary even. But the formula for calculating the cost/benefit ratio is a complex and imperfect one, and it's kept many a game theorist up2 at night thinking about it. Be careful, that's all I'm saying.

Fortunately, there's a better option than the email; the venerable phone call. We live in an internet age, and most people find themselves increasingly dissociated from their fellows by dint of the lack of personal, real-time communication that's not constrained by typing speed.
The chances are the owner of the boobies you're interested in has never had someone phone her up and ask her about them. So go on. Women like nothing better than discussing their boobies; she'll appreciate both your interest and the time you took to phone her up.

Now you're talking!
This, after all, was why the internet was invented. Oh, sure, today there are all sorts of other options available to the connoisseur. One can find animated boobies, from the simple jiggle to the pendulous swing. Those with and interest can find all manner of boobie-related activity too bizarre for the normal mind to contemplate. But in offering this, google is bringing us back to our roots. Pictures of boobies; they've united the y-chromosomal since time immemorial, and will continue to do so until the sun explodes and, one hopes, beyond.
Surely google have reached the pinnacle, and we can't expect them surpass this magnificent offering?

Yes we can!
By jingo, they've done it. I haven't explored boobies in 3D yet; I'm waiting for the right time. A bottle of Irn Bru on ice, a fire roaring in the hearth... it'll be a magical evening.

There's more, of course; much more. And google have promised us more still. The "find boobies near you" feature looks particularly intriguing, and I look forward to exploring it to its full potential. However, there's little need for me to go on; you've got the point. Google have done us all a great service, even if we can never know their rationale.
Or... can we?
Notice the absence of results in the oh-so-enticing "watch videos of boobies". Nothing. But upon wandering over to youtube, one will find countless videos of boobies. Sure, 90% of them will be rickrolls, but that still leaves an abundance of jiggly giggity to enjoy. Once can only assume that there's some manner of filter in place. Which means that our friends know all about boobies, and don't want to deny themselves the pleasure. And who can blame them?

As we reach the end of our exploration of google's finest feature, a question has doubtless occurred: surely the average number of testicles for a google nerd is quite a bit below 2? It's probably greater than one, but certainly less than two. And, indeed, what of our brothers whose interests lie in other anatomical areas? Surely these demographics are catered for too? Perhaps they are. But there are others who'll be far more enthusiastic than I about that particular quest, so I leave the matter to them.



1. Yes, It begs the question.[Back]
2. Fnarr fnarr [Back]

1 comment:

  1. i'm not impressed by ¬_¬ !!

    and i can't say i like boobies... o_o;;

    but i like kittens !! 0_0

    and i like this blog !!! O_O

    so... stop doing whatever other things you're doing and post more happy stuff here !! thanks !! ^¬^